Forgiving others - being good to ourselves.

Some days after I had given a talk on forgiveness recently, a man told me that he had being putting into practice what we had shared on Christian forgiveness. He had realised that he was carrying hurts and anger about people in the past. The talk had uncovered hidden resentments, and he had begun to pray for those people. And as he continued to do so he said he felt emotional and the tears came - a frequent sign of grace working deep within - and he experienced great peace. To be able to put down the burdens of the past is always a precious gift.

God does not ask the impossible from us. Jesus tells us: "Pray for those who treat you badly; bless and do not curse them."   So taking the Lord at His word and trusting in His grace we do just that. We don't have to like someone before we pray for them. Nor do we have to wait till our emotions are no longer raw before doing so.  We can simply say: "Lord bless him/her and grant me peace!"  It is very hard to hate someone y0u are praying for. Such a choosing of forgiveness opens a space for the Spirit of the Lord to bring us healing and peace.

Feelings follow the action. Forgiveness is not firstly about our emotions; it is a choice, a decision, an act of the will. If the wound is deep we may need to make that choice again and again until the heart is free.

Resentment keeps the hurt alive in our hearts, controls our moods and extends our pain. We are being very good to ourselves when we make the decision to let go of any bitterness we are nursing. Resentment is an acid that destroys its container. The container is our own heart!

With a Shepherd's Heart

I love that scene in the Gospels when the crowds follow Jesus and his disciples who had tried to go away for a quiet time. We are told that when Jesus saw the people he felt deep compassion for them for "they were harassed and dejected like sheep without a shepherd."

This beautiful passage gives us a glimpse into the very soul of Jesus.

The Lord looks at our broken world and his heart is deeply moved.

There is no bitterness at our messy and confused lives. 

Instead we find compassion for those who struggle with suffering, loss and pain; patient goodness for those who are searching for love and meaning in all the wrong places; kindness for those living in silent despair, a despair often cloaked by the rush and glitter of today’s life.

Christ’s love does not necessarily mean approval for everything in our lives.  But the experience of his goodness and acceptance gives us the courage and grace to make the journey back. 

He is not waiting till we have got our act together before he love us.

Would that all who struggle and fail and fall might find within the Christian community the lived reality of the Lord's constant compassion!

Misunderstandings about forgiveness.

As I said in my last blog, I discovered last week yet again that the topic of forgiving others is a hot one. People can have very strong opinions about it. One thing becomes clear when there is any discussion about letting go the hurt others have caused us is that people have various misconceptions about what Christian forgiveness involves.  These mimisunderstandings frequently block people beginning the process of forgiving others.

Forgiveness is not pretending something did not happen. Ignoring a deep hurt means that it festers and can poison the heart.

Forgiveness is not pretending that I have forgotten. The line: "Forgive and forget" is not found in the Gospel! We remember but we still choose to put down the heavy burden of bitterness; we make a decision to forgive. Forgiveness is not primarily about the past, but about the future - my future lived without resentment.

Forgiveness is not pretending I was not hurt. It deals with the reality of hurt and anger; it is not about denial, a covering up of the impact of an other's actions.

Forgiveness is not condoning destructive behaviour. We can be definite about what is and what is not an acceptable pattern of interaction. Forgiveness does not mean becoming a punch bag! It does not mean living with abusive behaviour.

Forgiveness does not presume reconciliation. If this happens it is wonderful. Forgiveness may heal the person who wronged us. It may heal the relationship. But it will always heal us. The truth is that the forgiving person benefits most. Forgiveness happens to the person doing it. It may or may not affect the person being forgiven.

Forgiveness of a serious wrong is hard. Only with the grace of God at work in us can we truly let go.

The only thing harder than forgiveness is the alternative - living with a bitter heart, trapped in the past.